After so long, my first post here..

Wow..after so many years I found my blog again and I feel like writing again...writing to release what is inside me, how I am feeling at this moment and people that is in my life and in my heart..things that matters to me then and now..I wish I can write it all out so that my heart will feel better.. I read back my old posts and at that time my mind and my thinking was simpler, my words were just straight from the heart with pure innocence in it..I wish I can go back to the times when my heart and mind was simpler..or maybe is me who makes it more serious when I should just keep things simple and straight forward.. I have loved a few and being hurt at the same time,learn how to let go, learn how let the heart grow as well so that it will learn not to be fooled and being hurt again.. I love myself and I need that love to make me love others better. December is coming and is my fav month..I shall write again..

No Heart

for this past 1 mth,i suddenly feel tired abt working in this current work place..i do not see myself having the interest and passion to do more,to want more...i feel tired and exhausted and i have to bear in mind that this is just the beginning..i have not even started doing the real work yet...there is a wave of storm i feel like it is just coming my way...a tsunami feeling i would say...the waves comes rushing in and there will be no way or place i am able to hide myself from it...

so why don't i just resign and say bye bye?i cannot at this moment,although i so wanted to..wanted to just throw in the towel and say i surrender..do not torture my mind anymore,i will just leave...but at the same time,inside me,i feel if i just give in like this,that will be so irresponsible..and i do not want to leave and end it that way...anyhow i have a contract that binds me now to the company until mid 2011...maybe i shouldn't sign up for the course earlier..maybe if i did not agree to move in to this new dept,i will not feel like this..but whatever is it,i think everything happens because of some reason,planned by God...and this phrase came to my mind as i am writing this now.."If God brings you to it,He will surely brings you through it"..i take comfort in that and have faith in His plans...

Believe vs Trust

i got this from someone 'Do not believe in me,but trust in me'..i asked what is the difference between these 2 word,and the answer i got was because in the word beLIEve, there is a word LIE in between..that is true also,so the next time when ppl ask you to believe,think twice...

in order to believe you need to have faith and in order to trust you need to have faith and truly believe in it..to trust you also need quite a lot of courage, courage to risk that is not true,courage to accept that is not just beautiful on the outside but also inside...

i used to trust and believe in people very easily but i think i got smarter as i grow along with age..or probably i am turning into some heartless person with no security on a lot of things...or maybe,i am just demanding very simple things in life that i sometimes find it hard to believe that is all i really want...no matter what or how, at this moment of my life, i will choose to trust in things that i believe is true and hope that everything will turn out fine..i know there are lots of things that can't be control but at least i have try to trust in others and believe the memory will be forever...

歸屬感

歸屬感,a sense of belonging...not easy to be able to find this kind of feeling when 2 person are together...even married couples sometimes do not have such feelings...i hope someday will be getting this feeling with that someone special,knowing i do have a place call home whenever i am tired,sad...it just feels nice,i think it will be nice..:)

Weird feelings

being out of love is actually not the saddest thing in life,i came to realize..one feels the freedom and probably happier being alone..but sometimes loneliness do creeps in once a while and makes u wonder all those "what ifs"...

i was pondering on the same question these days and really wonder,am i on a journey to a new relationship?...it feels scary this time,not really because i am afraid of the heartbroken part if things don't really work out...i just feel tired if the whole process needs to be repeated again..probably you would say that isn't that the same thing,being tired of being hurt again...probably yes...and i really do not know understand how i feel now...everyone do not want to be hurt or hurt anyone,i am sure..and as for me i definitely do not want to hurt anyone...

so until i sort out my weird feelings i think i like the way we are now..:)

Finally

how do i begin to explain the feelings inside me?i feel relieved,because finally i think,yes i do believe is true this time,that i have finally let go of the past..the sad memories are way back at my mind now...i finally feel that we can both smile and looking forward to the future...hoping that we both will be lucky enough to find another horizon of happiness that each of us deserves...i wish nothing less but happiness to this special friend who will always be special to me...

i am not involved in a new relationship for my heart to finally let go of the past feelings or love..i am still very much alone here..not that i am complaining because i have been single almost all my life and is really nothing new..i am happy if i can have someone new later on in life but even if i do not have i will be very much thankful for everything i have now..

so i have been busy with assignments and since i am now in the new dept,there are more things to do...i feel at least there is a purpose in going to work everyday now..coz previously the dept i am in,is kinda boring..so this is good i guess...
and finally...i am smiling...

New Dept,New Beginning

i have been transferred to new dept beginning this month..is a dept with more responsibility,which is a good thing coz that means i get to learn more...coming into this dept i aso get to be more busy,which is a good thing because at this point of my life,there are something,some people i do not want to think of too much...my heart has been broken once and i think i will need all the time to heal again...i do not know when will be able to let go but i hope is soon...

friend say that to let go of past relationship,is better to find someone new...i agree but in my case,i am not holding on but is like i am still living in the past memories..i know is not healthy at all but i do not know why i want to be feeling like this...

hopefully in the coming months will be able to learn more,experience more new things,get to know more friends,be able to really let go finally...